There's no "I" in Communicate
A late night post after hours of drinking...coffee with one of my best friends from high school. (Amazing/funny/wonderful how you fall into old patterns with old friends; we're both well past 21 these days, and yet to go anywhere but Perkins, our old stomping ground, feels a bit, well, sacrilegious.) As a result, it's 2am and my mind is running a million miles a minute. I'd like to keep the thoughts straight and type them in a fairly linear fashion, but I fear tonight I might only achieve general incoherency. We'll see.
(Why I apparently feel the need to preface my blog posts with semi-self conscious comments about what they may or may not be like is a whole other topic.)
I'm thinking about communication tonight. Actually, I think about communication a lot. I like to think I'm even pretty good at it, being a "communications professional" and all. I suppose when it comes to communicating with the general public I'm alright, but lately I'm starting to wonder if I am capable of communicating properly with real, individual people at all.
As it turns out, it doesn't really matter if you are good at expressing your thoughts coherently and engagingly in an email or conversation. Wit, charm, and sincere honesty (all of which I'm sure I posses in abundance...) don't really go far if the person on the other end of the conversation isn't actually catching your true meaning through all the witty, well-worded statements.
Communication is about the exchange of meanings. It's about you understanding what it is I am trying to tell you - exactly what I am trying to tell you -- and I understanding exactly what it is you are trying to tell me. So it's an individualist thing; you're trying to communicate with an individual person, not an anonymous stranger. You may well be "great" at communicating your thoughts and feelings, but if you don't communicate them in such a way that the person on the other end actually gets the meaning you are hoping they get, then it's worthless. And, similarly, you can be the best listener in the world, but if you misread what they are trying to tell you, then what's the point?
I recently uncovered a whole series of misunderstands with a friend based on this simple fact. I misread his meaning, and reacted accordingly. And then he misread my actions, because he didn't know they came from me misreading his meaning. And so on and so forth. We ended up having this drawn out fight -- a bit of a Cold War, really -- just because we kept misreading what the other meant, or felt, or was trying to say.
And while I might think that I was communicating my thoughts and feelings well, or that I was entirely justified in (mis)reading his words a certain way, none of that really matters, because in the end, for all our words, we didn't actually communicate.
What tragedies are built upon simple miscommunication. What hurts created, what wrongs unrighted, what wars started and peace offerings lost. What a tangled mess we weave, without even practicing to deceive. We just deceive ourselves.
So my new resolution - close enough to the New Year to possibly fall into that category, but one I'm trying to practice beginning immediately - is to learn to communicate with a person, rather than an anonymous entity that behaves by certain rules and can be interpreted in easily boxed ways. Individuals, after all, are weird, and quirky, and they don't always behave logically or predictably. And to remember that just because I react a certain way or communicate in a certain fashion, does not mean others will react similarly or have the same communication style as I. To stop worrying about being so damn clever, and start worrying about how I can get my point across, cleverly or not.
I want to exchange real meanings, and not just your typical pretty, witty, banter. I want to learn the real meanings behind the words of others, and not fall into the over-interpretation trap. A little more taking-things-at-face-value (and, while we're at it, a litte more loving-people-for-who-they-are) and a little more giving people the benefit of the doubt. At least until I know for sure what it was they really meant.
(Why I apparently feel the need to preface my blog posts with semi-self conscious comments about what they may or may not be like is a whole other topic.)
I'm thinking about communication tonight. Actually, I think about communication a lot. I like to think I'm even pretty good at it, being a "communications professional" and all. I suppose when it comes to communicating with the general public I'm alright, but lately I'm starting to wonder if I am capable of communicating properly with real, individual people at all.
As it turns out, it doesn't really matter if you are good at expressing your thoughts coherently and engagingly in an email or conversation. Wit, charm, and sincere honesty (all of which I'm sure I posses in abundance...) don't really go far if the person on the other end of the conversation isn't actually catching your true meaning through all the witty, well-worded statements.
Communication is about the exchange of meanings. It's about you understanding what it is I am trying to tell you - exactly what I am trying to tell you -- and I understanding exactly what it is you are trying to tell me. So it's an individualist thing; you're trying to communicate with an individual person, not an anonymous stranger. You may well be "great" at communicating your thoughts and feelings, but if you don't communicate them in such a way that the person on the other end actually gets the meaning you are hoping they get, then it's worthless. And, similarly, you can be the best listener in the world, but if you misread what they are trying to tell you, then what's the point?
I recently uncovered a whole series of misunderstands with a friend based on this simple fact. I misread his meaning, and reacted accordingly. And then he misread my actions, because he didn't know they came from me misreading his meaning. And so on and so forth. We ended up having this drawn out fight -- a bit of a Cold War, really -- just because we kept misreading what the other meant, or felt, or was trying to say.
And while I might think that I was communicating my thoughts and feelings well, or that I was entirely justified in (mis)reading his words a certain way, none of that really matters, because in the end, for all our words, we didn't actually communicate.
What tragedies are built upon simple miscommunication. What hurts created, what wrongs unrighted, what wars started and peace offerings lost. What a tangled mess we weave, without even practicing to deceive. We just deceive ourselves.
So my new resolution - close enough to the New Year to possibly fall into that category, but one I'm trying to practice beginning immediately - is to learn to communicate with a person, rather than an anonymous entity that behaves by certain rules and can be interpreted in easily boxed ways. Individuals, after all, are weird, and quirky, and they don't always behave logically or predictably. And to remember that just because I react a certain way or communicate in a certain fashion, does not mean others will react similarly or have the same communication style as I. To stop worrying about being so damn clever, and start worrying about how I can get my point across, cleverly or not.
I want to exchange real meanings, and not just your typical pretty, witty, banter. I want to learn the real meanings behind the words of others, and not fall into the over-interpretation trap. A little more taking-things-at-face-value (and, while we're at it, a litte more loving-people-for-who-they-are) and a little more giving people the benefit of the doubt. At least until I know for sure what it was they really meant.
posted by Melissa at 2:05 AM
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