Please, Sir, May I Have Another?
Some random thoughts and observations – I’m feeling far too scattered to connect the dots today….
- I purchased what I believe is my eighth (count ‘em, eight) umbrella of the season today. Without fail, it never starts to rain until I’m already on the bus. Without fail, Walgreens never hesitates to raise the prices on their cheap-ass (I’m pretty sure the one I bought is already broken) umbrellas when it rains. I think this means I’ve spent over $60 on umbrellas this year. I’m going to stop thinking about this now.
- I’m starting to remember what real stress – that time-crunched, 8000 things to do at once sort of stress – feels like. The workload of having what are essentially two full-time jobs (one which paid, but that I care about only moderately; one which is pro-bono, but that, despite the many frustrations and stresses and fights and hassles, I absolutely love doing) is starting to weigh on me, and I’m trying hard to find a balance between doing what I care about, doing what I need to do, and trying to preserve some semblance of a non-work life (Ha! Fat chance.)
It makes me realize that I haven’t actually worked all that hard lately. This frantic pace isn’t new to me – it’s basically how I spent four years of college – but I haven’t been here in awhile. I’ve been taking it a little bit easy…making time for cooking, for friends, for reading for pleasure, for travel, for going to the gym, for long walks and nights on the town. That was a conscious decision on my part – to make some time for the non-work, non-political side of me – and I’m glad I did it. I’m even looking forward to getting back to that sometime soon.
But at the moment, it feels pretty good to remember what hard work for something I am passionate about is like. To remember what it feels like to be tired down to my bones, to subsist on not enough sleep for days (if not weeks) on end, to be thinking about five different things as I fall asleep and wake up still thinking about them. It feels good to work hard.
- We were prepping the candidate for an upcoming forum/debate last night, and at one point our consultant told that her that she needed to stop apologizing for things when she spoke because she had absolutely nothing to apologize for. She pointed out that she would try – was trying – but that she’d been apologizing for 27 years, whether or not she was sorry, and it was a hard habit to break. Immediately, every woman in the room nodded up and down, knowing exactly what the candidate meant. The consultant, who is as cocky and unapologetic as they come (and he would readily admit this), looked a little taken aback. I don’t know that he got it.
These are the differences between men and women (or at least how we’ve been socialized). The insidious differences that you don’t think about but that make all the difference. Women (and I’m generalizing here, but only to a point) apologize for having strong beliefs, for potentially hurting someone else (whether they deserve it or not), for possibly giving offense. Men not only don’t apologize for these things, but they don’t think to. It’s not a consideration.
I recently learned that my male co-worker (who is just out of college with much less experience than I have) went back and forth three times in his initial salary negotiations. Three times. Hell, I was impressed with myself for asking for a higher salary at all. It wasn’t easy to do. And then of course I rolled over when they tossed in an additional $500 (big money, right?) and told me that was all they could give me right now. I didn’t even think to toss back a second counter-offer, much less a third. (Were they lying? Of course. Do I now know I got lowballed? Absolutely. Did I push for a larger raise at my last salary review? Nope. I wimped out. I jumped at the first measly offer and said ‘thank you very much.’)
These are the differences. These are the things that make me think, were I to raise a daughter, I would do it differently. I wouldn’t let her get away with apologizing for her beliefs or not demanding what she deserves. I know my generation is a far cry from that of our mother’s, and even further from our grandmother’s. We’ve reclaimed the word “bitch,” we’re less worried about seeming “pushy,” and more and more often, we’re asking for what we deserve. But still I hope that the next generation of young women will be better.
- I purchased what I believe is my eighth (count ‘em, eight) umbrella of the season today. Without fail, it never starts to rain until I’m already on the bus. Without fail, Walgreens never hesitates to raise the prices on their cheap-ass (I’m pretty sure the one I bought is already broken) umbrellas when it rains. I think this means I’ve spent over $60 on umbrellas this year. I’m going to stop thinking about this now.
- I’m starting to remember what real stress – that time-crunched, 8000 things to do at once sort of stress – feels like. The workload of having what are essentially two full-time jobs (one which paid, but that I care about only moderately; one which is pro-bono, but that, despite the many frustrations and stresses and fights and hassles, I absolutely love doing) is starting to weigh on me, and I’m trying hard to find a balance between doing what I care about, doing what I need to do, and trying to preserve some semblance of a non-work life (Ha! Fat chance.)
It makes me realize that I haven’t actually worked all that hard lately. This frantic pace isn’t new to me – it’s basically how I spent four years of college – but I haven’t been here in awhile. I’ve been taking it a little bit easy…making time for cooking, for friends, for reading for pleasure, for travel, for going to the gym, for long walks and nights on the town. That was a conscious decision on my part – to make some time for the non-work, non-political side of me – and I’m glad I did it. I’m even looking forward to getting back to that sometime soon.
But at the moment, it feels pretty good to remember what hard work for something I am passionate about is like. To remember what it feels like to be tired down to my bones, to subsist on not enough sleep for days (if not weeks) on end, to be thinking about five different things as I fall asleep and wake up still thinking about them. It feels good to work hard.
- We were prepping the candidate for an upcoming forum/debate last night, and at one point our consultant told that her that she needed to stop apologizing for things when she spoke because she had absolutely nothing to apologize for. She pointed out that she would try – was trying – but that she’d been apologizing for 27 years, whether or not she was sorry, and it was a hard habit to break. Immediately, every woman in the room nodded up and down, knowing exactly what the candidate meant. The consultant, who is as cocky and unapologetic as they come (and he would readily admit this), looked a little taken aback. I don’t know that he got it.
These are the differences between men and women (or at least how we’ve been socialized). The insidious differences that you don’t think about but that make all the difference. Women (and I’m generalizing here, but only to a point) apologize for having strong beliefs, for potentially hurting someone else (whether they deserve it or not), for possibly giving offense. Men not only don’t apologize for these things, but they don’t think to. It’s not a consideration.
I recently learned that my male co-worker (who is just out of college with much less experience than I have) went back and forth three times in his initial salary negotiations. Three times. Hell, I was impressed with myself for asking for a higher salary at all. It wasn’t easy to do. And then of course I rolled over when they tossed in an additional $500 (big money, right?) and told me that was all they could give me right now. I didn’t even think to toss back a second counter-offer, much less a third. (Were they lying? Of course. Do I now know I got lowballed? Absolutely. Did I push for a larger raise at my last salary review? Nope. I wimped out. I jumped at the first measly offer and said ‘thank you very much.’)
These are the differences. These are the things that make me think, were I to raise a daughter, I would do it differently. I wouldn’t let her get away with apologizing for her beliefs or not demanding what she deserves. I know my generation is a far cry from that of our mother’s, and even further from our grandmother’s. We’ve reclaimed the word “bitch,” we’re less worried about seeming “pushy,” and more and more often, we’re asking for what we deserve. But still I hope that the next generation of young women will be better.
posted by Melissa at 10:27 AM
3 Comments:
Wow, you know I never realized that the apologizing habit really is common among the women I know. Or, if not actually prefacing comments with "I'm sorry," some other phrase or buffer to pardon the actual articulation of an idea (god forbid!).
That's just it. We become absolute masters at downplaying our own ideas, needs, desires, thoughts, etc -- and we often don't even realize we're doing it. "It's not a big deal, it's just...". "Well, maybe this is a crazy idea, but...". "No offense, but...". All these little hidden phrases we use every day - I know I do - just dilute our thoughts and weaken our arguments.
A friend of mine - can't remember who at the moment - told me about a sociology (I think) professor who wanted to make a point. He asked a girl in the class her name, and she replied in a question. "Jessica?" - or whatever her name was - with her voice going up at the end as if she wasn't sure what her name was. As if she wouldn't want to offend by having the wrong answer or by asserting herself, so she answered in the form of a question rather than a statement.
Then he asked a guy in the room the question. He responded with a flat statement -- "George." Duh. His name was George.
See what I mean?
I apologize all the time at work, and I've been talking to my (obviously gay to be having this conversation) male boss about it. He keeps trying to get me to look around and evaluate other factors that make a situation not my fault or even my responsibility, and points out that the rest of them never apologize for anything, but damn, it's hard. I'm so used to it. It's so easy.
But I also appreciate the woman's ability to take an inital stance of ambiguity and flexibility in a discussion--I would much rather have a discussion with women who listen and are interested in changing than men who are confident and boorish. It's nice to argue with people who are concerned both with the point being argued and making sure nobody gets too pissed and loud.
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