Really, I Just Don't Have Anything Interesting to Say

Is there anything more self-indulgent that writing a post about why you haven't been writing posts? Is there anything more self-centered than assuming that others care if you've been too busy, or too uninspired, or whatever to write? Perhaps not. That said, I'm going to do it anyway.

So I haven't done much blogging lately. Which, if you read this at all on a regular basis, may be obvious. I've been busy, blah blah blah. Unexpectedly, I have actual work to do at work these days -- about f'ing time -- and I'm doing some campaign stuff on the side, which is taking up most of my "free" time these days. As much as I like to write, after spending a day writing at work, and then coming home and writing press releases for the campaign, writing a blog posting is about the last thing I want to do.

But really, I just haven't had much interesting to say.

I've learned I need a slightly hollow mind to come up with ideas and concepts beyond the everyday. I need a mind that is not filled to the brim with to-do lists and swirling emotions. I need time to ruminate on nothing at all, and the space to allow ideas to bounce around inside my head for awhile. Ironically enough, I've always considered myself as someone who "performs at her best" when things are hectic and crazy and the stress level is high. And generally speaking, that's true...but performing at your best and having time for big thoughts are two different concepts entirely. I'm only just learning that.

I've also been going through some issues, both positive and negative, of a deeply personal nature. The free thoughts that do find room to move around in my mind are all centered around things I don't want to blog about. While blogging may well be, at times, nothing more than a public diary, I have reservations about posting anything too terribly personal on here. Indeed, a part of me thinks my recent posting about my mother probably crossed that line for me.

I have no intention of this blog being a check-up on my life. It's about thoughts, not events. If you want to know what's actually going on in my life, call me. (And one of these days, I'll stop sucking and return your call....). And so while I was greatly appreciative of the outpouring of support I received from friends after posting about my mother (seriously, to all of you, a huge thank you. It truly meant a lot), I'm a little embarrassed and a little disconcerted. It strikes me as a bit of a cop-out to share such huge news with people through a website. That said, I haven't really reached the point of being able to talk about it much, so in many ways that's the only way I could get that out there. It was nice to know that my good friends knew without me really having to have that conversation.

(Because it's always an awkward conversation to have, isn't it? There's nothing really to say on both ends, yet you both feel like you should talk about it for a respectful number of minutes...like, at least 4 min, right? I mean, it's cancer. It needs to get at least four minutes. So you say things like "I'm so sorry" and "I'm sure it's going to work out" and "Let me know if you need anything" and "Oh don't worry, I'm fine" and while you sincerely mean everything, and you truly do care, you still just end up both feeling a little awkward and a little powerless to make anything better. Am I right?)

Besides, I don't, in the end, think a diary-modeled blog is very interesting. Restated positively, as an old professor would chastise me into doing, diary-modeled blogs are often real bores.

Conclusion being, I'm having a hard time coming up with ideas that inspire me to write postings, that accurately reflect my state of mind, and that stay away from those topics I'm trying to keep off-limits. And that aren't boring.

What else is a real bore? A long posting about why I'm not posting. So I'll wrap this one up, because at this point I'm even boring myself.