You're Really Not That Busy, Are You?
There was an interesting article in this Sunday's Globe magazine. For whatever reason, the Coupling section at the back -- normally a vaguely annoying column directed at single thirtysomethings -- really hit me hard this week. The author was talking about a failed romance, a potential relationship that died because neither of them could find the time to see each other. After an initially promising first meeting, they spent six weeks playing email tag, planning and canceling dates, always being "awfully busy this week," until finally they fell out of contact. In so many words, she asks the question, "Why are we so concerned with appearing to be a 'busy' person that we fail to make time to see the people we want to see?"
Why, indeed? I think it's a great question.
Why is it so important that we are always "busy" -- or at least give off the appearance of such? Why are we afraid of appearing as if we aren't living a life that is overflowing with social engagements and exciting plans? Why are we worried about seeming like we are too eager to see someone?
And what's wrong with being eager to see someone? Why do we wait to email someone back, or to return a phone call? What's with the 'two day rule?' Why do we assume that if we appear to like someone "too much," to be too excited about their company, that we will look desperate, pathetic, like someone with no life? Someone that isn't, well, busy?
What is so scary about the phrase "I've got time for you:?
This mostly applies to potential romantic relationships, but friendships aren't immune to this phenomenon. I get the "my schedule is really insane this week" from friends all the time, and I've certainly given it out from time to time. Oh, sure, sometimes our schedules really are insane...but why is it so important that we communicate this fact? And how often are we really so busy that we can't find time for a drink?
There have been times in friendships when I've felt taken for granted. As the "less busy" friend, I have felt like I was always the one making time for the friendship, like I was always the one conforming to their schedule. Sometimes I've been tempted to pull out the 'oh i'm so busy i've got x, y, z, and q to do and I just can't see you tonight' line, just to make it clear that I have a life, too. That they aren't the only one who is busy.
There's power in being the busier person. Even the closest friendships are not immune to these societal conventions, these silly games.
But the fact is, if we really, really want to see someone, we see them. We find time in our oh-so-busy schedules. We drop other, less important plans and obligations - things like laundry, or sleep, or even plans with other people. We email them back right away. We return their call as soon as we can.
And if a friend really needs to see us or talk to us, we find them time. Suddenly we have an hour for a phone conversation when an hour previously did not exist. Suddenly whatever we are doing is not so important, or at least not as important as the friend who needs us.
So if we can make this time for other people when it's really important - whether to them or to us - why do we have such a hard time doing it when it isn't as pressing? (Or when we don't want it to seem as pressing?)
I think we need a re-evaluation of what we believe is important, of what we should value in ourselves and others. Instead of being known as the friend that is always busy, always on the go, maybe we should consider the value of being known for other things.
"What I love about Melissa is that she is always willing to make time for me. She's never too busy when I need her."
or, perhaps,
"The great thing about Melissa is that I always feel like I'm one of her top priorities."
Doesn't that sound nice? Even when I really am insanely busy...even when my life is so crazed that I don't have time to sleep or eat, much less meet up for a drink...I think I'd like to be that friend.
From here on out, I've always got time for you, babe.
Except, wow, this week is really crazy. Can we try for next?
Why, indeed? I think it's a great question.
Why is it so important that we are always "busy" -- or at least give off the appearance of such? Why are we afraid of appearing as if we aren't living a life that is overflowing with social engagements and exciting plans? Why are we worried about seeming like we are too eager to see someone?
And what's wrong with being eager to see someone? Why do we wait to email someone back, or to return a phone call? What's with the 'two day rule?' Why do we assume that if we appear to like someone "too much," to be too excited about their company, that we will look desperate, pathetic, like someone with no life? Someone that isn't, well, busy?
What is so scary about the phrase "I've got time for you:?
This mostly applies to potential romantic relationships, but friendships aren't immune to this phenomenon. I get the "my schedule is really insane this week" from friends all the time, and I've certainly given it out from time to time. Oh, sure, sometimes our schedules really are insane...but why is it so important that we communicate this fact? And how often are we really so busy that we can't find time for a drink?
There have been times in friendships when I've felt taken for granted. As the "less busy" friend, I have felt like I was always the one making time for the friendship, like I was always the one conforming to their schedule. Sometimes I've been tempted to pull out the 'oh i'm so busy i've got x, y, z, and q to do and I just can't see you tonight' line, just to make it clear that I have a life, too. That they aren't the only one who is busy.
There's power in being the busier person. Even the closest friendships are not immune to these societal conventions, these silly games.
But the fact is, if we really, really want to see someone, we see them. We find time in our oh-so-busy schedules. We drop other, less important plans and obligations - things like laundry, or sleep, or even plans with other people. We email them back right away. We return their call as soon as we can.
And if a friend really needs to see us or talk to us, we find them time. Suddenly we have an hour for a phone conversation when an hour previously did not exist. Suddenly whatever we are doing is not so important, or at least not as important as the friend who needs us.
So if we can make this time for other people when it's really important - whether to them or to us - why do we have such a hard time doing it when it isn't as pressing? (Or when we don't want it to seem as pressing?)
I think we need a re-evaluation of what we believe is important, of what we should value in ourselves and others. Instead of being known as the friend that is always busy, always on the go, maybe we should consider the value of being known for other things.
"What I love about Melissa is that she is always willing to make time for me. She's never too busy when I need her."
or, perhaps,
"The great thing about Melissa is that I always feel like I'm one of her top priorities."
Doesn't that sound nice? Even when I really am insanely busy...even when my life is so crazed that I don't have time to sleep or eat, much less meet up for a drink...I think I'd like to be that friend.
From here on out, I've always got time for you, babe.
Except, wow, this week is really crazy. Can we try for next?
posted by Melissa at 9:22 PM
2 Comments:
Oh my god. This is so fabulous babe. You are a genius. Good freakin point.
You are so onto something! Adult urban life is so different from teenage small town life, when it was pretty much guaranteed that nobody was doing anything on any given night and everyone could spontaneously get together and pursue one of the town's three activities. Remember those days? I have a theory that on any given night in the city, there are thousands of people sitting around bored at home because they are too embarrassed to call their friends on short notice, and many of these thousands of people are friends with each other! At what point did invitation become desperation? :)
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